YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIKE ALONE: spiritual formation is best in community

Season One | Post 7

We’re wired for transformation.

But we’re not wired to do it alone.

One of the quiet aftershocks of the pandemic—for me, and maybe for you too—has been the disruption of connection. On the surface, everything seems “back to normal,” but deep down, I know something in me shifted. Before COVID, I regularly filled my home with people—sometimes dozens of them—gathered for a shared meal, a shared cause, a shared moment of meaning. We served together, laughed together, learned from one another. My kids grew up with a front-row seat to what community could look like: real people showing up for real things.

Those weren’t just social events.

They were formational experiences.

Because every time we gathered with intention, something sacred unfolded.

And I miss it.

I’ve felt the loss of that kind of connected presence more than I expected.

Maybe you have too.

This isn’t just a personal longing—it turns out there’s solid science behind why isolation feels so depleting and why community feels so essential for growth.

The Science of Connection

Neuroscience and spiritual tradition agree: we need each other.

We need each other not just for company, but for development and transformation.

The field of interpersonal neurobiology—an integrative discipline that examines how our relationships literally shape our brain structure and function—has been pioneered by researchers like Daniel Siegel and Louis Cozolino. Their work confirms what ancient wisdom traditions have always taught: our nervous systems are not isolated. They are social systems. Through attunement, shared attention, and even the tone of someone’s voice, we help one another regulate stress, strengthen focus, and build new neural pathways.

This process is called co-regulation, and it’s one of the most powerful tools for healing and growth we have. As Cozolino writes, “From our first breath to our last, we are shaped by the people around us. Our brains are social organs, and our relationships are the glue that holds us together.” In other words, who we hike through life with, shapes us... neurobiologically.

This truth finds its roots even earlier in attachment theory, where John Bowlby and later researchers like Mary Ainsworth demonstrated that we are hardwired for connection from birth. We're born into this world gasping and grasping for another. Our earliest relationships with caregivers literally sculpt the architecture of our developing brains—especially in areas responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, and trust. These attachment patterns don’t just shape our childhoods; they ripple into adulthood, influencing how we relate, cope, and grow.

When we engage in supportive, attuned relationships later in life, we don’t just feel better—we repattern our brains toward greater resilience, empathy, and connection.

All of this science backs up what the early church already lived: growth, development, and transformation isn’t a solo achievement. It’s a communal process in which we help one another become more whole—through mutual encouragement, shared wisdom, and the brave work of showing up in relationship.

Designed for Community

That’s why the 40 Days experience I’ve been developing wasn’t designed as a solo reflection tool, but more like a guided spiritual hike. It’s meant to be walked alongside others. Each day offers a curated rhythm of reflection, practice, and gentle action—a 10–15 minute invitation to rewire your attention, realign your desires, and live toward wisdom, generosity, and love.

And I’ll be there too. Not shouting instructions from behind.

Think of me more like a fellow hiker: a little sweaty, still hopeful, probably carrying snacks, asking the occasional uncomfortable question.

You’ll also—ideally—bring a few companions. Friends. Family. Maybe a small group or a digital cohort. Because the science is clear, and so is the Spirit: we become more whole in the company of loving others.

When we walk alone for too long, it costs us—emotionally, yes, but also biologically.

Research shows that isolation activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. Our stress hormones stay elevated, our immune function drops, and the brain's systems for trust, memory, and motivation begin to fray. We were never meant to live cut off from connection.

But when we re-enter community—even slowly, even awkwardly—our bodies respond. Oxytocin rises. The nervous system begins to co-regulate. We remember what it means to be human again: not just surviving, but belonging.

Theological Foundation for COMMUNITY

Christian spiritual formation has always known what neuroscience is now confirming: transformation is relational. We are shaped in and through our connection with others—and with God.

Robert Mulholland, a scholar of Christian spirituality, describes formation as “the process of being formed in the image of Christ for the sake of others.”

Jeffrey Greenman expands the definition by stating formation is “Our continuing response to the reality of God's grace shaping us into the likeness of Jesus Christ, through the work of the Holy Spirit, in the community of faith, for the sake of the world.”

These definitions carry three ideas I hold closely:

• Transformation is God-initiated, but invites our response.

• Transformation happens in community, not isolation.

• Transformation is never just for us—it's always for the sake of others.

  
  

I believe this all flows from the heart of who God is. The Christian tradition has long held that God is a relational being—a presence of loving communion. So it makes perfect sense that the process of being shaped into the likeness of Jesus would also be communal. We are not just called to relationship; we are formed by it.

The New Testament is full of “one another” language—encourage one another, bear one another’s burdens, love one another. Spiritual formation isn’t about rugged independence. It’s about learning how to live a life of love, in the company of others who are doing the same.

And this journey isn’t just about becoming “better people.”

It’s about participating in the renewal of all things.

As we are transformed, we become agents of transformation in the world.

Our habits, our attention, our relationships—when formed in love—become part of a much larger movement toward healing, justice, and wholeness.

Which brings us back to that word telos—the end goal.

The aim of spiritual formation is not merely inner peace, but outer impact.

We are not being shaped for our own sake, but for the sake of the world.

That’s the heart of TELOS&today—a movement toward intentional spiritual formation that serves not just our growth, but the flourishing of all creation.

Starting the Journey

And yes—forty days sounds like a lot.

It is.

But it’s also just one day… repeated with intention.

You can start slow.

You can miss a day (I do) and keep going.

You can bring someone with you - ideally... hopefully

However, even if no one else signs on with you, I believe this:

There is already a Spirit walking toward you, ready to accompany you. Quiet. Steady. Patient. You don't have to hike alone.

You may not see anything shift inside you at first. But if you stay on the path—and if you don’t walk it alone—something in you will shift.

Since you're still reading this blog, I'm thinking something already is shifting.

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We’re coming to the end of Season One of this blog. In the next post, I’ll offer a reflection on where we’ve been and a preview of where we’re going in Season Two. I’ll also include a short reader poll—I’d love to hear what’s resonating with you as you explore this site. Your voice matters in this unfolding experience.